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kpoplover96 review

Monday, August 8, 2011 @ 1:41 AM

Title: 'Little BrideGroom'

Author: kpoplover96 & screamingaegyo

Reviewer: ll0vex3_her

Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/19132/little-bridegroom-junsu-leejoon-minho-romance-seohyun-yonghwa-yongseo

Title: 5/10

Well, at least the title connects with the story, but there isn't a need for the '..' though. You could have just taken away it and re-title it Little Bridegroom. And there wasn't a need to capitalize the G letter. However, it is not a title that would exactly catch my attention or make me want to click on it and read it.

Foreword/Description: 5/10

Well, its straightforward and the whole idea was already obvious. Its short, simple and nice though. Good. There was a nice hook but not really something that would keep me continue reading the story though.

Plot: 12/25

The plot wasn't really original, definitely not. There's always such a story here and there. Where the girls already has a boyfriend but still has to marry someone else because her parents forced her to.

Writing: 6/10

Erm, there isn't a need for the change in the word fronts. But still, it was nice and the writing was not bad. It wasn't confusing and I love the way you wrote it, although it was a little plain and boring.

Spelling/grammar: 10/25

Chapter 3:

On Saturday morning,Seohyun wake up early as always....She tried to call Minho and message him but he doesnt reply her....It was a week he doesnt come to school and made she worried about him....

"Seohyun,you have wake up?"Her mom approach her...

"Ermm..."Seohyun reply while still busy with her phone....

"Who are you texting?"Her mom said softly....Seohyun stunned....She quickly keeps mobile phone in the drawer...

"It's just a friend from my class...Female friend...."

"Really?You better rarely make friends with a boy bcoz you're getting married"Her mom smile to her....Seohyun sigh....

"Today,your father want to take us to an interesting place"

"Really,where?"Seohyun suddenly excited about it....

"It's a secret,you better quickly prepare yourself to know about it.....And wear something nice......."Her mom winked at her....

"Okay..."

I'm re-writing for you:

Seohyun was wide awake like usual even though it was only a Saturday morning. She had attempt to call Minho and message him but he didn't answer her at all. It has been a week since he missed school and she was starting to worry. Did something bad happen to him?

"Seohyun, you're awake?" a voice rang behind her, it was her mom.

"Yeah..." Seohyun half-heartedly replied as her mind was still preoccupied by Minho.

"Who are you texting?" her mom asked softly.

Seohyun was caught by surprise as she finally realized her mother was just behind her. She gasped in her mind and immediately hide her phone in the drawer. She would be dead if her mother saw who she was texting! She had enough trouble on her mind without having to listen to her mother nag and scold her.

"Its just a friend umma. A female friend" Seohyun kept her calm and replied, emphasizing the word female so that her mother wouldn't be suspicious.

"Really? Good. You better make lesser guy friends. You're getting married soon, remember that" her mother smiled and said.

Seohyun couldn't help but sigh as her mother once again reminded her about the unwanted marriage. But she forced a smile, not wanting to upset her mother.

"Prepare yourself. Your father is bringing us to an interesting place later on" her mother said.

"Really? Where?" Seohyun asked, her mind momentarily forgetting her worries.

"Secret" her mother smiled and winked.

Seohyun laughed along, pouting a bit at her mother as she wondered where was her father bringing them to.

Its seems much better right? So yeah, this is basically your mistakes. Not only in spelling, also in how you phrases your sentences.

And this sentence: Her father then taking them to a famous restaurant and Seohyun started to feel unesy...

It should be: Later on, her father brought them to a famous restaurant. Seohyun had a bad feeling as she started to feel uneasy, wondering why did her father chose this place, and why did he bring them to this place.

There's a lot of other mistakes, which I hope you would be able to spot after re-reading. Since its very obvious and basically everywhere. Edit your chapters, re-write and rephrase the sentences, then everything would be much better.

Flow - 6/10

The flow isn't bad, since it wasn't rushed and neither was it too slow. Just well, since Yonghwa hasn't exactly fallen in love with Seohyun at the first few chapters, and by the way you wrote it, he never fallen in love before, he wouldn't have understood the feeling he was feeling when he saw Seohyun care for Minho called jealousy.

And Seohyun loves Minho doesn't she? You should have written more about her feelings towards Minho. Imagine you are the one forced to marry someone else when you already has a boyfriend. How hurt and upset will you be? Along with the fact that your boyfriend is basically self-torturing himself. So yeah.

Overall Enjoyment - 4/10
Well, although I love the goguma couple...it doesn't really attracts my attention or makes me want to continue reading the story after the first few chapters. Well, its basically because of the way you write and the plain storyline. And the mistakes here and there that makes it hard and annoying to read. So yeah, but at least everything was okay.

Total: 48/100

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