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Review for -polkadotted

Friday, August 5, 2011 @ 10:13 AM

Title: This Stupid Boarding School...

Author: -polkadotted

Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/40540/

Reviewer: Angela <3

Pre-Review Notes:

Alright, if you’re wondering why the Admin of LS like me is doing your review, then that’s simply because your original reviewer had to give this up, and I didn’t know who else in the staff could review it because it was Yaoi and a rated fic. I thought I could easily take this up, because it was only 17 chapters, so I thought, “Oh, hey, this is easy”. Wrong. It’s not easy, and why is that? Because I couldn’t have chosen anyone more worse than myself to review this. And the reason for that is because 1) I’m a major major (LOL, Venus Raj reference!) 2min shipper, and 2) I’m also a Filipina haha. So, naturally I’m gonna be biased. It was really hard to review this without being biased, you know? I love 2min so, so much. But yes, I tried. And this is my very first review ever. So please forgive me if this becomes less of a review and more of a “How to Write Your Story” tutorial xD

Title 6/10

If you take away the tags and “Rated H” label, I would highly doubt anyone is going to want to click on your fic when browsing through AFF. There are nearly about a million and one stories with “school” or “boarding school” or anything “stupid” on the title, so this fic just doesn’t seem any different nor eye-catching. When I first saw the title (right before I saw the tags or even got on the story page), I wasn’t exactly thrilled to read it. The title didn’t seem to stand out like any title should. Also, as the story progressed, it started to become less and less about “this stupid boarding school” and more about Minho’s denial and debate over his thoughts about whether he’s in love with Taemin or not. I think the story drifted away from the title a bit, therefore here are some suggestions: It would have been nice if your title was something like “A Diamond in the Rough” (because Minho slowly breaks out of his “roughness” when his feelings for the younger boy becomes apparent) or maybe “A Silly Thing Called Love” (because it’s cute, eye-catching and it describes how Minho’s love for Taemin makes him do silly things, like bullying him). You don’t have to change your title, of course, since it’s already set since the first time you posted this. But keep in mind next time to use titles that closely relate to the course of your story and is unique. And finally, I see the use of ellipses (…) on your title. Using ellipses frequently is rather amateur, especially when placing it in titles. Your final score for your title is 6.

Foreword/Description 3/5

It was definitely straightforward – which is a good thing – but I believe it was too straightforward. It was like you were telling me the entire plot without leaving me any actual thought provokers. Yes, there were some “cliff-hangers” that I actually think is somewhat well-written and intriguing (“But Minho has a big problem and he keeps telling himself that he's straight and not gay because the truth is........ he's falling for Lee Taemin. But what will happen when his hormones get the best of him?”), however it still would have been nice if it were written in a different way, like this:

Taemin knows that this shouldn’t be how high school actually is. He knows that kids aren’t provoked to tears and self-loathing by their peers on a day to day basis. He believes that high school should be one of the greatest experiences in a person’s life. But why does it feel so much like hell to him?

Minho knows that being the best and most popular guy at school is what high school is all about. He knows that kids like him have every right to bully and push any naïve little prey that lurk the halls of his territory. He believes that Taemin’s the “right one” – the “right” victim, that is. But why does he feel s so different around him lately?

Latched onto together thanks to the unjustly decisions of their new principal, Taemin and Minho must brace a new life at their boarding school as dormmates. For both boys, nothing will ever be the same when hostility turns into friendship and hate turns out to actually be a silly thing called love.

There, it’s a little different and less straightforward. It doesn’t give the whole story away, and I removed some of the unnecessary parts of your original description. I removed the part about the boarding school because, just like your title, the plotline was less and less about a boarding school and more about Taemin and Minho’s relationship. I also removed Jonghyun and Key’s part, because they felt more like a “side couple” than one of the main pairings of the story. Hence, your score is 3.

Plot & Originality 13/20

Just like your title, the plot and storyline of this fic is nothing different than the hundred million stories on AFF. Now, I’m not saying that it’s bad that you used an overly-clichéd plot of bully!Minho falling in love with victim!Taemin, but it would have been nice if you added your own spin/take on it. I wouldn’t have mind reading this same plot when originality is added to it. A lot of successful authors have done it in the past. Take Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight, for example. Not a lot people know this, but the love story between Edward and Bella is actually an overly-used and clichéd plot. Meyer actually “borrowed” Edward and Bella’s star-crossed fate from another famous love story: Romeo and Juliet. Not a lot of people know that, because Meyer’s originality and the addition of vampires, love triangles, and annoying Volturi to Romeo and Juliet’s love story overshadowed the fact that it’s not her original idea. Therefore, you could have added some twists here and there or add another idea onto the storyline.

The story dragged on a bit in a way that I wasn’t entirely interested, and I honestly knew what was going to happen next for Minho and Taemin because I’ve seen stories like this before. If there were some other addition to it, like a long lost brother who comes in and falls in love with Taemin causing sibling rivalry for Minho or Taemin having a dark and brooding secret that will help Minho shed his bully image and become a friend and comfort for the boy. I see tiny instances of that in the story, like how Taemin said he moved schools because of ghosts and how you mentioned that Minho had this fear of ghosts. You could maybe use that and then add a ghost into that boarding school.

Also, some parts of it felt unrealistic for me. Obviously this is fiction and it’s supposed to be unrealistic, but good fiction makes unrealistic situations seem reasonable. For example, in the first chapter, the boys’ school gets a new principal and suddenly – without reasonable explanation or anything logical for that matter – it gets twisted and turned upside down into some boarding school. To me, that felt too silly to even take seriously. To make it more realistic, you should have given an explanation. Or, you could have just began the story with the school already being a boarding school and then set the plot running when Minho’s roommate moves out and Taemin is re-assigned as his roommate. Makes it a little more realistic you know?

However, I love the addition of JongKey on this fic. It’s good to have at least one stable, adorable couple amongst the angst and bickering that goes on between Minho and Taemin. I think you did a good job with these two. I like how they were there as comic relief, because if it was just a story about Minho being a total bitch to Taemin and Taemin being so weak, then this story would’ve been pretty boring or just plain angsty.

Your plotline was not unique and a little less interesting and could have done good with just a few more twists and turns here and there. Your final score for the plot and originality is 14.

Story Development & Pacing 13/20

Everything felt too quick and idealistic (as mentioned earlier) for me to fully grasp what was going on. First the school gets a new principal, then it’s transformed into a boarding dormitory with all the high tech works, then feelings for one another are tossed across the table rapidly, and so much has gone on that it feels like I’ve watched the whole series of Harry Potter in one sitting.

It feels like impracticality has taken a major course in this story. There are some bits that made me wonder why that happened or why the author couldn’t give a proper explanation regarding a certain part of the story. Like when their Principal just all of sudden decides to assign Taemin and Minho as roommates. Why? Just because they were caught fighting? That doesn’t sound too convincing to me. Another part would have to be when Taemin approached his principal in order to switch schools. He mentioned that he was being bullied, and the Principal declined his request saying that that wasn’t a good enough excuse. Really? Bullying is not a good enough excuse to move to another school?

Another unrealistic factor for me was JongKey. Though I love the JongKey here to death, I didn’t like how they got together in this fic. It was too quick, and just like how the school turned into a boarding school overnight, it was too unreasonable. I mean, Jonghyun and Key hate each other’s guts one day, and then the next their both googly-eyed over each other? That doesn’t seem to latch onto my mind as something I’d believe. I suppose you should have set up a storyline for them or give them a situation that would further provoke their feelings for each other. In chapter 10, Key really knew how I felt when he said, “We've just been a couple yesterday and you're treating me like we've been in a relationship for a year now.” It’s true when he said that.

Because everything felt to move too quickly in the wrong time and a few things felt too idealistic, I gave you the score of 13.

Writing Style & Narration 14/20

Don’t be afraid to elaborate your story more. When I was reading it, it felt like you were just reciting their actions rather than putting it in a narration I’d be interested in. It was more like, “Key did this, and then Taemin did that. Minho said this, and then Taemin said that”. I want to see the emotion; I want to be able to feel and see where Taemin and Minho are at. I noticed at the first chapter, that you linked the characters and even the school building with pictures. I was immediately saddened because I would have liked to form a picture of the characters and scenery on my own, using the author’s words. I know that you could do better than that, because honestly, you’re a really great writer.

Sure, some parts of the story may be a bit off and some other things look like they need some work, but overall, I believe that you’re a great writer. There are some parts in the story (take that scene near the first few chapters where Minho was drunk and he was about to ‘rape’ Taemin) that was well-written by you and the description was so spot-on. I could totally imagine Minho doing that to Taemin in that state of mind. Why? Because of your written description. That’s why I would have liked to see more of that from you. You have great potential, and please don’t hesitate to use it more often.

Your writing style varies. Some chapters looked rushed or lazily written – like you were only updating just for the sake of updating. And some other chapters looked nice and fun to read. I would like to see more evenness when it comes to your writing nature. Maybe you find it more suitable to write in short, terse sentences rather than long and descriptive paragraphs? Sure, that’s fine. But just make sure to keep it constant.

Speaking of constancy, there are some small things in the story that bugged me because one minute they’re there and the next it’s not – or vice versa. Like, for example, all the characters that pop up out of nowhere without any formal introduction. This irked me because sometimes I don’t know the character, so in my mind, all I see is some faceless figure talking in that scene. Like, Jiyeon for example. Of course, I know her from T-ara, but what if I didn’t? I wouldn’t know how she looked like, how she acted, how she sounded, etc. Sure, the characters would know her; Taemin would know her, Key would know her. But I, as the reader, wouldn’t know her because I haven’t been introduced to her yet. You tend to bring characters up at the most random moments and make it sound as if they were there since the beginning of this fic. Or, sometimes the introduction is very vague. For example, in chapter 9, Sulli appears out of nowhere talking to Taemin and all I’m thinking is, who is this girl? So, do I naturally assume she’s Taemin’s friend because she’s talking to him? For all I know, thanks to the lack of an introduction, she could be some hired assassin who goes to that boarding school because their principal is actually her deceased father’s killer and she’s there to take her vengeance – and Taemin’s her informant or something. You know, without a set character description or profile, your readers could assume a lot of things.

One other thing I wanted to point out is the repetition of phrases/words. I noticed that you used “rolled his/her eyes” and “bit his/her lip” a little too often in this fic. I think it would have been best if you at least replaced it with an adverb describing how they felt or just don’t include it at all. Sometimes it’s just best to not overdue it with the actions.

For your writing style and general narration, I gave you a 14.

Characters and Character Development 10/15

In stories, authors aim to form a special bond or relationship between the reader and the characters. I tried to open my mind to your main characters, trying to see if I can either relate or sympathize with them, all depending on how well you, as the author, wrote them out.

Minho, who’s obviously the bully, was a total jackass and dickwad – pardon my negativity. So props for you for making me dislike him a whole lot. That’s a good thing, right? You wanted the readers to view Minho as a total jerk and outrageous bully, and I think you’ve done well. However, the progression from him being an outright Taemin-hater to a lovestricken Taemin-worshipper was a bit too hasty and it felt like there wasn’t some sort of catalyst that helped build up to that conclusion.

Taemin is cast as the victim here, though I like how you didn’t overdue it with the dramatics. But, still. The way Minho and his posse were treating the poor kid is too harsh for him to simply just brush it off. In some scenes, you really knew how to capture the hurt he obtains from being bullied by the one boy he’s loved since he’s switched schools. There were a lot of parts that made me go “Aww…” because of what Taemin had to go through. I liked that. :)

To be honest, your characters in general were a bit too “on-the-surface” and lacked a lot of depth. They felt 2D for me, and I would have really liked it if you pushed your potential and gave us a little nice backstory for each character so I, as the reader, could have formed an intimate or close relationship with them. Because of this, your score for characters and character development is 10/15.

Writing Mechanics 6/10

Of course, not all writers are perfect (lest any of those in the fanfiction world), so I shall not delve too deep into this criteria. Your spelling is great, except for a few misspellings here and there. Your grammar is also good, but there seems to be some slip-ups that I come across often.

There is the frequent and unnecessary use of the ellipses. I mentioned it before when I was talking about your title. It just doesn’t look too good when seen often on the page. It would be advisable to simply replace it with a comma or hyphen, or just delete it altogether.

This should probably be posted under “Writing Style and Narration” but I think it’s best to just mention it here. I noticed that you’re writing in Third Person Omniscient Point of View, but then you often trail away and end up writing in First Person Point of View. Take this excerpt from chapter 9:

Minho just stayed the same way he have been since the start of the day. He couldn't move. His heart ached all of a sudden by the words he heard coming out of Kikwang's mouth. The whole gymnasium turned silent and Minho just wanted to stand up and shout, "WHAT THE FUCK, KIKWANG? NO! HIS ANSWER IS NO! TAEMIN IS NOT GOING OUT WITH YOU!!!" But if he did say that, it would make him look possessive somewhat and his reputation would be ruined.What the heck? I don't even care! I don't care if Taemin goes out with Kikwang! I don't care! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT IT! I'LL NEVER GIVE A FUCK ABOUT IT! NEVER!!!!

As you can see from the beginning of the paragraph, the narrator is speaking about Minho, then towards the end, the narrator is speaking as if he/she is Minho. That’s confusing. I like the idea of you italicizing the characters thoughts (as most professional authors do) so you should just stick with that.

Your writing fluctuates between “tolerable” and “needing some improvement.” For that, your writing mechanics score is 6.

Total Score: 68/100

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! If I ever sound mean/stuck-up/uptight/etc. then I would hope you’d forgive me. I really, honestly didn’t want to give you such a low score, but as I kept going along with the reviewing, it just kept getting lower and lower. And sorry for such a long wait. I actually finished reading your story in one day, but spent like three days writing this. Sorry, I didn’t expect it to turn out into some novel. Well, yes. I hope you learned something from this review, and please do forgive me for that score. I was just listening to my natural writer’s instinct. But yeah! Don’t stop writing, and who cares about those 2min-antis out there! They’re just jealous that their OTP’s isn’t as magna-esque as Taemin and Minho. 2min-shippers unite! Good luck with your fanfic, bb!

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