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Calling Dulcet [EGHH]

Thursday, August 11, 2011 @ 5:29 AM

Title: Even Gangsters Have Halos

Author: Dulcet

Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/57463/

Reviewer: Maria/SKID_11 @ http://lemonswirls.visualchic.net/

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Title: 5/5

Wow! This is the first time I’ve handed someone a perfect mark for the title!

However, I gave you this perfect mark because I believe you deserve it; the title “Even Gangsters Have Halos” isn’t short, but also not too long, and has a definite pull. I would most likely click on this if I saw it floating around on AFF out of curiosity, which is a good thing for you. :)

Description/Foreword: 4/10

Your description wasn’t as good as it could have been. It was only one word, but I do have to admit that it gave a bit of insight on your story. Still, I believe that the summary you used in the foreword should’ve placed in your description instead of being used in the foreword.

Your foreword was…well, it had character charts in it. Without pictures, but they still were character charts. Unfortunately for you, I do not believe in character charts. At all. They aren’t needed because your story itself should be able to portray your characters and their personality well; you shouldn’t need a character chart to do this.

Plus, I do believe that readers are able to realize a character’s traits and personality if you have managed to develop a good character. There should be no need to give away everything about your character simply in the description or foreword.

And so, because of these reasons, you were given a four out of ten in this section of the rubric. You should’ve placed your foreword’s summary into the description, completely left out the character chart and given a small teaser or even a short prologue to your story in your foreword. If you had done that, you would’ve gotten a better mark than the one you got.

Originality of Plot: 17/20

Gangsters: cliché and overdone. Adoption: cliché and overdone.

Put them together and you get an original plot, but it’s pretty cliché considering the fact that it has gangs and adoption in it. However, since it was the gangsters who had done the adopting, it is less cliché in a way. And it definitely goes with the title of your story.

You can also definitely tell that you tried to make this story your own. You’ve been adding lots of little tidbits that are rather cliché, but you are really good at writing it in your own way. So, I have to conclude that though this story is somewhat original, it’s not original enough that it will be very significant or really be remembered very well, unfortunately.

However, keep up the work, and keep on adding twists in it that may one day just prove me wrong. ;)

I’ll definitely be keeping a look out for your updates to this story, so do update whenever you come back from your two week vacation.

Writing Style: 21/25

I like your writing style; it’s neat and flows well from paragraph to paragraph, but the thing is that you really need to add details. Details as to how her room looks, how the kitchen looks, how the living room looks, how the guys look when your main character Ji Eun first meets up with Block B. It’ll make things easier to picture for various readers, and will make your story even better than it already is.

Also, you need to elaborate on feelings. As to how Ji Eun felt, leaving the orphanage and everything she knew behind, and how she felt wandering the streets at night – scared, lonely, unsafe, uncomfortable, wary. How she felt when she was running with Zico from SHINee when they randomly attacked the wall they were at. How she felt when she first woke up in a foreign place, when she met Block B for the first time. How it felt cleaning up their wounds, and really show that awkward atmosphere.

If you show these feelings, then people will really understand your characters better – especially your OC. You need to elaborate on feelings so your readers can understand Ji Eun, and her personality – the reason why she does the things that she does, the reason why she is slowly getting used to Block B as time passes.

Talking more about feelings or details will never come back to bite you in the ass. Trust me. ^^

Grammar and Spelling: 7/10

Your spelling? Pretty much perfect. I didn’t really see any mistakes here; and if there were any, then I guess my old eyes didn’t catch them like I thought they would’ve. ><

Your grammar? It could use a bit of polishing. There were also times when some things you wrote didn’t make sure or you wrote something that didn’t really need to be there, yet you added them there anyway.

For example, this:

(Chapter 2, Earn Your Keep)

I think I finally woke up when I felt the warm morning breeze on my face.

“I think”? There’s no need for that. It doesn’t really make sense, because nobody says, “Yeah, I think I woke up in the morning when my sister nudged me awake.” It just doesn’t make sense, that’s why. And, therefore, it isn’t needed there.

So, what actually should be written there is this:

I finally woke up when I felt the warm morning breeze on my face.

Much better, right? The character relays how they woke up without pondering whether this was what woke them up or something else like that. It flows much better too, me thinks.

Another thing that you had a bit trouble with at times was your commas. They’re real easy once you get the hang of it, trust me. What you need to make sure is to read your chapter aloud once your done with it, and whenever you see a comma, briefly pause. Then continue. Afterwards, think to yourself, “Do I really need a comma there? Does the sentence seem awkward if I place the comma there? Is it necessary for readers to take a breath at that spot?” If you get even one yes as an answer, it’s best if you don’t put a comma there.

If there isn’t comma there, then think to yourself, “Do I really not need a comma there? Does the sentence seem awkward because there isn’t a comma there? Is it not necessary for the readers to take a breath at that spot?” Once again, if you get even one yes as an answer, it’s best if you do put a comma there.

One example of you not placing a comma where it should be would be this:

(Chapter 2, Earn Your Keep)

With a hefty yawn I stretched out my arms and sat up.

It’s best if readers should pause before the “I,” because the sentence flows better than way. This is another way to decipher whether or not you should place a comma in a certain spot – find out which way flows better: comma or no comma.

And so, it would be best if your sentence was like this:

With a hefty yawn, I stretched out my arms and sat up.

These things were basically what you mostly had problems with in the grammar department. Apart from that, I think you’re pretty good dealing with grammar yourself~

Characterization: 15/25

I understand that, since it’s the first stage of the story, the characters aren’t all that prominent. Still, there isn’t much that I can take from these characters of yours.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, the characters are very hard to pin down – and I’m not just talking about the “over so mysterious” Zico. All of the other characters are hard to pin down as well, and I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that these gangsters aren’t actually gangsters. They seem too goody-goody to me; taking in a girl, the swearing is kept down to a minimum – these things do not scream “gangsters” to me. At all.

And so, I just can’t take the characters seriously. At this point, I believe that I like SHINee a lot better than Block B, and that’s not because I know SHINee and I don’t know Block B, or that I prefer Taemin over any of the Block B boys. SHINee seem more like actual gangsters to me – Block B just seem like wannabes or something.

I hope this isn’t too harsh, but it’s true that I don’t understand your characters much – they all seem like they’re the same, except for maybe PO since he’s apparently a very quiet – and perhaps even shy – individual.

Perhaps it’s just me; perhaps it’s just the fact that your story is still starting. Still, you should really work more on your characters.

Other: 3/5

Three out of five for the great title and the spelling! :)

Overall mark:

72/100

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