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Dear Ayumi_nightshade (fanfic review)

Monday, May 2, 2011 @ 12:29 PM

Title: Heartbroken
Author: Ayumi_nightshade
Reviewer: Maria
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/31278/heartbroken-4minute-beast-hyuna-junhyung-oneshot-romance

(R/N: Before i start, i have being notified that you already have this story reviewed by someone else, however you were not completely satisfied with the review. Its fine ^^ i understand and i hope this time, you'll be more satisfied with the results >.< )

Title: 3/5
The title does have something to do with the story however i wouldn't say completely attractive. I might've skipped the title if i saw it in AFF and seems quite cliche. But then again, it reflects altogether your story. Pretty much what the story is going to be about is summed up in the title. Overall, the title is satisfactory.

Forward: -/10
I will not be marking this as you do not have a forward.

Description: 6/10
The forward is interesting. It doesn't hook you in at once yet it sounds pretty wise. Using Shakespeare's words to compare your story to that quote i think is interesting. A few simple words that can possibly describe the story. Overall, the description is good.

Graphics/pictures: 8/10
The graphics are absolutely beautiful. Nothing wrong there but i felt the mood was brought up abit too dark instead of sad. Its kind of hard to set up a poster that is sad because most likely it will end up looking evil/dark yet my first impression of this story was simply...'emo' or 'dark'. I'm not sure what kind of mood you expected to come out from there but trying to express sadness through that poster is very vague. Overall, the poster is beautiful.

Plot: 10/20
I wouldn't say there is a general plot in the story. Like you explained before, it is a point of view of a girl who lost her love. That's fine; if you write it well and explain it detailed, a story will kind of form. However, this doesn't necessarily bring out as a story. More like a letter or diary entry written down to explain how she felt during the times he was gone. Overall, the plot is vague.

Writing: 13/20
Definately interesting. Its written in a point of view like as if you were there. It shows a typical girl's feelings. It was well described yet i felt it lacked some details. Also the fact that the 'POV (point of view)' often changed from first to second then maybe another person's first POV, which occasionally confused me in what was happening. Maybe writing a letter instead of in a chapter form might have boosted up the story's interest.

You could've made it seem like Hyuna is writing a final letter towards Junghyung (who passed away) and that is where she complains how she feels with and without him or maybe a diary entry, where Hyuna expresses her sadness and lonliness. Both might've being more effective and not confuse much readers. But since you told me already it was from the girl's point of view, after that did i understand the story. Prehaps making it more simpler for readers to read it so people will get what you're trying to convey. After all, not everyone in the world understand what goes inside your head ;). Overall, the writing is adequete.

Spelling/grammar: 9/15
Your spelling seems fine; just some silly mistakes yet your grammar is kind of rough. I think you should work more on the tenses and the way you write something. Here is a sentence from your story. I will change it to try to make it flow better and the awkwardess will be reduced.

I am dizzy and have a killing headache, my whole body feels so heavy and I don’t have enough energy to make a single move.

I feel dizzy and I have a killer headache.
My body feels so heavy and I don't have the energy to make a single move.

Here is another.

Can you even imagine how it feels like when you’ve had something you had once taken for granted and you suddenly lose it?

Can you imagine how it feels like when you have had something you once took for grant to suddenly losing it?

That previous sentence doesn't really make sense yet i do understand what you're trying to tell me. However it doesn't make much sense, even if i tried editing it. I guess the problem is that you use too much descriptive words and too precise with your actions that it just seems too crowded and unclean. Words and adverbs/adjectives to me is like jewellery.

If you add small bits of bling bling, you'll look and shine more better then you do without it. However too much bling overlooks the real focus and just gets messy, resulting in looking much worse. Jewellery are the adverbs/adjectives and you are the story itself. All you need to do is reduce the flashy, unnecessary jewels and re-look at yourself, wondering what you should add or not. Your tense occasionally skips from past to present and it does get awkward. Best thing to do about awkward phrasings is to avoid them; not use them at all. Overall, your grammar needs more focus.

Ending: 2/5
I felt the ending was kind of random and the quote didn't match the story very well because Junhyung is dead and Hyuna isn't really broken up with him. Also slightly short, but then again, you might've wanted us to think something else or there was no other choice. Overall, the ending was plain.

Rated scenes: -/5
I will not mark this area as you do not have any rated scenes

Format: 9/10
Your format is clean and easy to read. Its not in big chunks of writing and attractive. Kind of like the way you're telling us a stroy is in a poetic style. Overall, the format is great.

Total: 60/85
70%

Some words of ~~wisdom~~ advice
Well look at your mark! You actually did quite well! Please put this into consideration for the future. No matter how low or high people give your mark, you don't have to take it to heart or mind infact. A review isn't really about the marks, more like what is conveyed and explained in there. Some reviewers out there do tend to only think about giving marks to make themselves look better or more 'professional' when actually, they're just making themselves look pathetic and immature. Not going to name people, or say what they do is wrong because i have no right :D Just overall, in the end please consider what i have said,
-Tense check and try to avoid awkward phrasings
-More attractive way to show what you want to convey
-Keep up the great work!
I hope this time you are more satisfied with this review >.< If you would like, i can write the story for you again. But its really up to you ;)
You're a great writer; so much emotions in your writing that its hard to put into words. I admire that and i hope in the future you'll do even better. Until then...(LOL excuse my weirdness; i was watching Kuroshitsuji tehe >.< AND I LOVE IT XD)

Review by Maria @ Lemonswirls
Sourly intoxicating ;)

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