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Review: Heartbroken

Tuesday, April 12, 2011 @ 7:17 AM

Title: Heartbroken
Author: Ayumi_nightshade
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/31278/1/heartbroken-4minute-beast-hyuna-junhyung-oneshot-romance-tragedy
Reviewer: ll0vex3_her

Title: 2/5

Well, that is totally a story title that will attract my attention, but not really enough for me to want to read it. Good job anyway!

Poster(If there is one): /15

I'm really sorry! I can't see the photo T__T

Photobuck won't let me...and I think I gonna cry.

And don't worry, I won't count the marks in..hope you won't blame me...

Description: 4/10

Hm, I don't really understand what that description was for. Too short and well, basically nothing for me to understand at all.

Forward: /10

None, don't worry, I won't count the marks in.

Character descriptions (only if have one): 4/10

Actually, you could have written more, describe more about their personalities and everything. Even if its a one-shot, you should have written about almost everything about them, so that we can understand even a little more.

Plot: 14/45

Er...the one-shot was well, so confusing...that I really can't understand at all. Confusion is written all over my face along with many question marks. Erm, really, what are you intending to write? And another thing, when I finally gotten somehow an idea about your story, well, its nothing much. Basically, everyone one-shot that goes for tradegy either goes for break up, or this type of story. Not that I'm very surprised, everyone almost write like that.

Writing: 12/40

HOWEVER, you could have really wrote it so much better! What kind of writing is this?! Are you simply just placing words together without event thinking if they match or not? I'm like totally confused about what actually happened. All I know is that Junhyung is dead. And if I never read the forward, I wouldn't even know which POV is it and who's dead. You could have said the name or whatever, do you really think I am able to read your mind?

And a simple [HyunA's POV] won't hurt right? I'm like really getting confused, but thank goodness I know both the main characters so I getting an idea of what is happening..

Another thing, what has "The course of true love never did run smooth" has anything connected to this? Her love is dead! And if I'm not wrong, this type of saying is for breakups and misunderstanding, how are you expecting her to wait for her love to run smooth when her love is already gone?

Spelling/grammar: 16/25

Although I am still breathing I do not feel alive anymore.

Correction : Although I'm still breathing, I don't feel alive anymore..
Explanation : Punctuation Error

I feel like if my heart had been torn out of its place and broken into hundreds of pieces.

Correction : It was like my heart was torn out of its place and broken into hundreds of pieces.
Explanation : The sentence sound wrong and punctuation error again.

I am bleeding inside and I don’t know how to heal my deep wounds

Correction : I'm bleeding inside, I doesn't know how to heal my deep wounds..
Explanation : Punctuation error

Above is the examples, please do make sure you change and avoid such mistakes.

Chapter titles (only if have titles): /10

None, don't worry, I won't count the marks in.

Ending (only if completed): 12/20
The ending seems so rushed and unconnected. Like I said, I really don't understand what does William Shakespeare's saying got to do with that. I mean, it doesn't even matches the mood at all. Hm, *frowning*, next time find some sayings that are connected to the whole story.

Rated scenes (only if rated): /10

None, don't worry, I won't count the marks in.

Total: 64/155
Criteria: C

Reviewer's Note:

Really sorry for the late review!! I know no excuse can make up to it! And I hope I wasn't too harsh! Mianhae! Once again, thanks for choosing me as your reviewer! Please do request from lemonswirls again~!

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