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I Healed You, In Return You Left Me (One-Shot) Review Done :)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011 @ 7:19 PM

Title: I Healed You, In Return You Left Me (One-Shot)
Author: EunhaeLove
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/23322/i-healed-you-in-return-you-left-me-one-shot-angst-donghae-drama-jessicajung-oneshot-romance
Reviewer: ZE:A’s

Title: 2/5

The story title was fine and it was straight to the point of your story but was the title attractive for the readers to read your story?
I loved it but it didn’t make me want to read the story somehow, it was half/half.
Poster/Background: 0 /10

There are no poster on your story but would be much better if you had one. So I won’t count the marks for the poster/background.
Description/Foreword:5 /10
The description and the Foreword was described well. I meant by the characters.
When you wrote Donghae’s name, you can take of the ‘,’. You can just write it as Donghae was your close friend and your childhood crush.
Same goes to Jessica. Jessica was his childhood crush and the person who broke his heart.
Maybe instead of “Oppa, have you ever seen me?” what about “Oppa, have we ever met before?”

For the Foreword, maybe you should just write “He makes your heart beat faster and faster.”
You used too much commas ‘,’ when you didn’t need to and you didn’t put full stop ‘.’ Where you suppose to put.
It seemed like you were rushing.

Plot: 7/15

Your one-shot was really hard to read? Like… where are the paragraphs? It was all messed up and rushed as I can see and there were a lot of spelling mistakes that I can see. It was messy, rushed and I couldn’t really concentrate on reading properly as well. Try reading your story, was it neat enough for the readers to read your story? How many mistakes were seen? It took me awhile to understand the ~~~ you used and I thought that was something that you just put but I realised that ~~~ was for the YOU’s name. It was quite complicated to read since it wasn’t in a paragraph.

But the Epilogue that you wrote was better than the first chapter that you wrote. I could understand it more easier and it didn’t seem that rushed on that one. It was somehow abit neater; overall that Epilogue was great to read.

Creativity/Originality: 10/15

Heart Implant. I read a lot of those stories before; I don’t think it’s that original also about the note at the end it wasn’t that quite original as well. Breaking the loved ones and all those are not original but at least it was written somehow your style which I liked it.

Flow: 5 /10

The flow wasn’t good as I told you somewhere at the Description/Foreword and the Plot part. It seemed like you were rushing while writing this story, because there were a lot of mistakes seen.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10

“Donghae and you met eachother during your preschool years back when both are you were 5 years old.”
Should be: “Donghae and you met eachother during pre-school years back when they were 5 years old.”

“Donghae and you met each other during your preschool years back when both are you were 5 years old. You were crying next to the swing and you felt a hand on your cheek. You glance up to find a cute little boy about your age with shaggy brownish black hair over his eyes with chubby cheeks and dark brown eyes gently smiling at you. Your eyes were tear stained and were red and puffy from crying. You sniffed and looked away from him.”
Should start a new paragraph from here.

“He asked. His voice was soft and high-pitched.”
Should be “He asked with his soft high-pitched voice.

Also in some of the words he asked YOU “~~~-ah, do you think that I can debut?” and then you wrote “Ofcourse I do.” Which should be “Ofcourse you can debut because you’re handsome, etc.[ what you wrote there].”

Try reading your story and put in the paragraphs.

Characterisation: 9 /10

This one I can give you a highest score as I said you described your characters so well that I could understand each character of what roles they are going to do in the story. That was a well done but as I said becareful of the mistakes you have there as well, that I mentioned before^^

Writing Style:5 /10

No I didn’t really liked the writing style of it. It was messy. You putting the italics were good showing that YOU is talking in her mind but at the end, the italics were included with Donghae as well… I don’t know who’s point of view you were doing. Was it YOU or Donghae? Why couldn’t you point them out? The italics were good but confused me of who’s mind it was…

Overall Enjoyment:3 /5

I still enjoyed reading the Epilogue part.

Extras:5/5

The story was sad as it is suppose to be the letter from YOU was also so good but had mistakes there as well which I put 1 mark down.
Also, I love Donghae~ !!! Also, for the late review.
Total:55 /95

Reviewer’s Note: I’m so sorry that you got a low mark but I just gave you my honest review that’s all. Hope you don’t have any bad feelings about this. I just want to say if you make a draft first and then proof read it to where to put the paragraphs and check the spellings and all the mistakes you have, that would be much better. I’m hoping to see some changes and to read your other stories as well! Since I love Superjunior members (specially Heechul) haha xD anyways, I’m also sorry for the late review. J

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