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For minipalsis : fanfic review

Sunday, April 10, 2011 @ 5:20 AM

Title: My Dream is in The Sky

Author: minipalsis

Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/11981/my-dream-is-in-the-sky-suzy-taelli

Reviewer: ilubshinee

Note: I, the reviewer am only doing my job. If I ever hurt your feelings, please do not get mad at me. I too am not perfect. I’m here to help you to make your fanfics better. :) Thank-you for requesting! Spread the word!

Title:- 1/5- I find your title unique but I don’t find it catchy at all. It does not fit your story too. When I first read it, I do not know what are you trying to portray with the title you used.

Poster/Background:- 6/10- I appreciate the effort that you made in your poster. I see that you made it by yourself? I like how you edited Taemin at the middle of sulli and suzy and Taemin’s expression there is thinking. Which I think is quite connected to the story you are about to do. You should’ve made it more appealing to catch your reader’s eyes. There are so many graphic request shop you could request to (like lemonswirls J) so you could have better poster. :) And also, your story ONLY circles about 5 major characters which are sulli, suzy, taemin, onew and Jessica. There is NO NEED to place too many characters that aren’t much involve with the story.

Description, Foreword and plot:- 12/20 – I see you didn’t use your description to describe what your story is going to be. Since you already said that it was your first time writing a fic you used it to explain yourself more. I always see that in almost all of the fics.

Error: “It’s just they’re fan’s called them and they just use it now and calling they’re group.”

*This sentence is really confusing; even I didn’t get what you really mean. Don’t make your sentences redundant.*

Correct: “It’s just what there fans call them. And they just used it to name their group.”

At the foreword you enumerated your characters and you made some quotes about them? I find it really nice. I found some errors on your foreword.

Sulli’s big sister she is also I 4^th year.

*Sulli’s big sister, she is also a 4^th year student.*

She love Sulli so much and she always in sulli’s side. But she wants Sulli to fall in love to a guy.

*She loves sulli so much and she is always on sulli’s side. But she wants Sulli to fall in love with a guy.*

Because Sulli don’t care for her appearance that’s why sooyoug wants sulli to fall in love because love can change people.

*Because Sulli doesn’t care for her appearance, Sooyoung wants her to fall in love. Because she believes, that love can change people.*

She want Sulli to be a beautiful woman not just a cute little kid.

*She wants Sulli to be a beautiful woman, not just a cute little kid.*

Kim Kibum AKA Key: He is in 2^nd year high school. He is always In-in-Fashion....

*He is always in fashion...* you don’t need to repeat the IN word.

noisy and bossy he and key were always fighting.

*Noisy and Bossy. He and Key were always fighting.*

“What will I do I truly fall in love with him. But I can’t betrayed Suzy she already became one of my friend. But I don’t want to lose Taemin I love him.

*What will I do? I truly fell in love with him. Bit I can’s betray Suzy, she already became one of my friends. But I don’t want to lose Taemin, I love him.*

“I don’t know who will I choice the girl I love the most or my Family?”

*I don’t know who will I choose? The girl I love the most or my family?*

Creativity/Uniqueness:- 6/10- About this, I’ve already seen so many fics about school life and it always start and ended up like that. Meeting in accidentally and will fall in love. It’s always been like that. There are also some nice parts in your story like the onsica scenes that was really nice though. But as I said before, I already read so many fics like this before so I felt like I already know how it will end up.

Flow and Chapters:- 7/10- Your chapters connected with each other well. Although there ere many mistakes on every chapter. I could still understand how the story is flowing.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary:- 7/20 – I saw so many wrong spellings and grammatical errors on your fic. I will list some of your errors.

Examples:

“YES!! I pass!!!” I shouted and jumping in the air I’m so happy that I pass until I bump to someone.

*I shouted and jumped in the air. I’m so happy that I passed. Because of my happiness, I bumped to someone.*

“You pass the entrance exam right congrats and welcome to “Seoul University.”

*You passed the entrance exam right? Congrats and welcome to Seoul University.*

“I’m Lee Taemin nice meeting you Sulli.”

*I’m Lee Taemin. Nice to meet you, Sulli.*

I will no longer list your other mistakes since it’s not that important anyway. And I know that it was the first time you wrote your fic. So do remember to use punctuation marks and spellings. It’s very important for us the readers to understand your fanfic better.

Characterisation:- 6/10- You portrayed your characters well. You really showed what they’re attitudes are.

Writing Style:- 8/10- Your writing style is good. It’s is written simply and neatly. There are lots of cute moments in each and every chapter.

Excitement and Extras:- 5/5- I will this as a bonus points for you! :)

Overall = 52/100

Reviewer’s Comment: Hello there! Thank-you for choosing me as your reviewer! This is the first time I read a taelli fic, because I’m not really a fan of sulli. Authors nowadays write SHINee fanfics and I really loved SHINee that is why I already read a lot of SHINee fics. I loved the storyline it’s a story that I never read before. And as I said before, don’t use too many characters if you will not use them all. Always check your spellings, grammars and punctuations. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings or something in reviewing your fic. I know you did yor best. :) And also, I’m sorry if you got low remarks. Anyway, keep writing and FIGHTING MINIPALSIS.

-ilubshinee ^^
hoy,hoy!~ <3

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