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To dear KMLZee (fanfic review)

Friday, March 25, 2011 @ 6:23 PM

Title: Paradise Dorm
Author: KMLZee
Reviewer: Maria
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/19026/paradise-dorm-apply-korean-murder-romance

Title: 2/5

The title is simple and makes sense but its not completely attractive and interesting. It gives off a slight cliche feeling, making it not that attractive in some ways. I get the concept, but i have to be honest i thought this story would be something like Paradise Farm when actually it isn't. Overall, the title is satisfactory.

Description: 4/5

I must say, i was very impressed with the description. It was definately something new, i never read an apply story that has something to do with disappearance and murder. Most of the apply fics i read are all lovely dovely, over-happy and honestly doesn't have an exciting plot but this really caught my attention. Interesting is the word to describe this and i was instantly attracted to the story. Overall, the description is impressive.

Forward: 4/5

Once again, very impressed. Interesting as well but i don't seem to fully get 'Paradise Dorm or Nightmare Dorm?'. I'm not sure, it doesn't seem to roll off my tongue and its awkward at the same time. But i really enjoy this. the forward once again i'm going to say, very interesting. Overall, the forward is excellent.

Graphics/pictures: 6/10

I think the poster is alright. It brings out the mood of the story very well, but i must say, it is quite crowded. I know its probably a character charts but i really dislikes those charts where all the pictures are confusingly merged into one. It makes it look messy and there is no main focal point. Overall, the poster is alright.

Plot: 14/20

I can't really judge the plot much, i realise you made around 3 teasers and some of the chapters aren't real chapters. So overall, there really is only 3 chapters to the start of the story so i think it's kinda too early to judge the plot. But i like where it's going. I don't really like the use of 'obvious phrasing' but i'm not in the shoes to judge that kind of stuff. I'm just a person who doesn't enjoy that, others may like it. Overall, the plot is unjudgable.

Writing: 17/20

I really like your writing. Its fun and makes me want to continue to read. Besides the 'obvious phrasings', i really get hooked onto the story. i feel sometimes you use too much fullstops while in other cases, not enough. Maybe for some small pauses, instead of putting a full stop, a comma might come in handy. I wouldn't say your writing style is unique though, i came across many apply fic writers like you but either way, very enjoyable. Overall, your writing is good.

Spelling/grammar: 7/15

You make alot of tense mistakes and there are quite a few awkward phrasings. Also sometimes mentioning words twice without having to. Eg. I mentally head smacked myself. It doesn't quite seem to make sense. Maybe instead of that, you can say 'I mentally smacked myself.' cutting out the 'head' part as it confuses with the literal and non-literal meanings.
'I guess that's what i guess for spitting in his face...'
i think the last 'guess' was meant to be 'get'.

Silly mistakes can be fixed but i feel you need to kind of work on your organisation and grammar.
I guess maybe you can try doing something like this...

I looked at his hand holding my hand. And saw a bruise by his wrist. It was almost hidden by his sleeve but I still noticed it. It stuck out like a sore thumb to me... mainly because I was half the cause of that and all the other bruises on him.
FIXED
I looked at his hand, which was holding onto mine, and i saw a bruise by his wrist. It was almost hidden by his sleeve but i still noticed it; and it stuck out like a saw thumb to me. Mainly because i was half the reason why he had that black mark, and the other ones around his now bruised body.

Overall, the spellling and grammar need improvement.

Ending: -/5
I will not mark this as you do not have an ending.

Rated scenes: -/5
I will not be marking this as well as there are not any rated scenes.

Format: 5/10

Your format changes occationally from one chapter to the other. It gets confusing sometimes but please, do not bunch up alot of writing in one huge chunk. It hurts and bored my eyes, and i really hate that type of format. The first chapter you started (chapter 7 in the fic) had a great format. It was clear and spaced out well, also clear 'POV indications'. Overall, the format is adequete.

Total: 59/90
66%

Some words of ~~wisdom~~ advice
First of all, i was really impressed with the forward and the description of the story. very interesting, i never heard of a story like this before and i was instantely hooked.
Second, i think you should work more on your grammar and how to combine sentences together. You're already doing so well so please keep it up!
Thirdy, please don't bunch up big paragraphs together. EVER! If i had to name something i hate about some people's story, it'll be the big chunk of writing (the other Minho making out with another girl >.<). LOL but you're doing so well so not much problems there...^^
tehhehehehheheh need help? Then don't be scared to ask me LOL. XDXD
THANKIES FOR CHOOSING ME AS YOUR REVIEWER, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH THIS AND IT MAY HAVE HELPED YOU...XDXD
FIGHTING...XDXD

REVIEW BY MARIA @ LEMONSWIRLS

I hope the best for you..^^

LOVE MARIA <3

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