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Calling FanFicWriter20 [MDGD]

Friday, July 29, 2011 @ 6:47 AM

Title: My Dead Girlfriend’s Diary

Author: FanFicWriter20

Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/52819/

Reviewer: Maria/SKID_11 @ http://lemonswirls.visualchic.net

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Title: 3/5

“My Dead Girlfriend’s Diary” certainly does tell what the content of the story is, but I think that it gives away too much too soon and seems rather awkward (hopefully you understand what I mean here xD), which is why I gave this three out of five rather than docking one or no marks.

Ideas for the title: “Reading Between Lines” or “Read Between the Lines.” I always liked this saying, and I believe that – in a way – this saying would go very well with your story. Then again, you don’t need to use this idea – it’s simply a suggestion. :)

Description/Foreword: 8/10

There is one problem in your description and one problem in your foreword.

First of all, your description was supposed to be the foreword. You see, the description is just supposed to be, in my opinion, just a brief, overall summary of what the story is supposed to be about. I believe that the summary you sent in for your review application should have been your description, and your current description should be the foreword. I docked one mark because of this.

Second, and lastly, your foreword should be an author’s note. You see, a foreword should be a tidbit of your story – in other words, like a prologue that introduces your story and makes readers want to continue to read your story. Your original foreword isn’t actually a foreword, so you should simply label it as an author’s note. And, although the author’s note will be long, a healthy chunk of your foreword-turned-author’s note is what I believe should be the description, which would cut part of the author’s note short. I docked another mark because of this.

This is what I advise/suggest you to do: make your description the foreword, and your foreword into an author’s note. The part in the author’s note, which was your summary in your review application – “This is not a story about a guy who found his dead girlfriend's diary and now he's going to read through it and see her every thought. No. This is a story about a guy who lost the love of his life. She left this diary to him after she died. In her diary, there are little notes and hints taking him places he's never been and letting him meet people that will change his life.

By reading her diary, he realizes that his love for her is undeniable. He realizes that she won't be by his side forever.

Through his journeys, he finds friendship, love, laughs, pain.

Come and follow Key on his journey to become happy again.” – should be made the new and improved description. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but this is my advice/suggestion.

Originality of Plot: 17/20

This story seems a lot like the movie “P.S. I Love You,” though obviously with a few twists here and there. Plus, I’ve read a few fics here and there with the same, basic plot as the one you are currently writing. Therefore, it’s not as original as some fics out there.

However, it’s obvious that you are trying very hard to make this fic your own. You created elements that truly show that this fic is one of a kind, and that you are going to do your best to excite readers and keep them entertained as Key tries his best to get over his girlfriend’s death, as well as Da Eun, which really interests me.

Plus, there’s the also the fact that there are many plot twists, like the fact that Jonghyun has now suddenly joined their little scavenger hunt – it excites me to see if anyone else from SHINee will. And so, I really like the fact that you’re keeping the readers on their toes with these little twists. :)

Although you don’t get full marks in this section of the rubric, you still got a good mark. Good job!

Writing Style: 22/25

I love how you decided to go ahead and do this in present tense. It feels as if the reader is actually there while everything is going on in the story, when Key and every other character are going through their life. I like how you decided to go ahead and write this in present tense, since not many stories are written in the present tense because, in my opinion anyway, present tense is way harder to write than past tense. This is why most people write in past tense, because it’s easier to write.

Also, another thing I love is the fact that you bring about so much emotion as you write this story. Every feeling, every thought – it’s displayed out in front of the reader to pick at and comprehend. I love how you explain the emotions as well, giving Key a reason to feel this emotion, and to make the reader understand so easily why he’s currently feeling that emotion. Not many writers can actually do this, so kudos to you on that. :)

But there was a problem I found in your writing. You don’t really give many details concerning the surroundings. It’s hard to visualize things because of the fact that there aren’t many details to go by, which makes it extremely hard to picture the scene that events are taking part in. I think that this story would be profoundly better if you added details, as to how people looked, how the scenery looked, how objects looked – little things like that which make a lot of different in a story, in my opinion.

Apart from that, however, your writing style is very good. Almost little-to-no mistakes in it, which is more than what most writers can brag about.

Grammar and Spelling: 9/10

Your grammar and spelling is pretty good, which is great considering the fact that there are many stories out there that have various grammar and spelling mistakes in pretty much every sentence, lol.

Apart from a few spelling mistakes here and there – for example, “her” instead of “here” – your spelling is perfect, and as is your grammar. Because of this, only one mark has been docked off in this section of the rubric.

Kudos to you for managing to get a near-perfect in this section of the rubric! ^^

Characterization: 21/25

Though I feel as if I can understand Key and Da Eun in this story, I don’t really feel the emotions of Jonghyun, Hyesun, Key’s grandmother, nor Onew. Onew and Key’s grandmother are easily passible, since they don’t really show up much, but I don’t feel as if I can really understand Jonghyun or Hyesun, or exactly how the “tick,” so to speak.

It’s so easy to tell Key’s emotions and understand what kind of a character he is since the story is narrated by him, and it’s easy to tell Da Eun’s emotions and understand what kind of a character she is because of the fact that she is also a central character, but Hyesun seems to be detached. It’s as if I can’t exactly understand her and why she is doing this, though I can tell that it’ll soon be revealed in the chapters to come, and hopefully as will Jonghyun’s character.

I can’t wait to see what else this story has to offer as to regarding its characters, so do update soon.

Other: 4/5

Four out of five for the great grammar and spelling, along with the genuinely surprising plot twists!

Overall mark:

84/100

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