Calling cindy92pillay [IFY]

Saturday, September 10, 2011 @ 11:17 AM

Title: I Forgive You

Author: cindy92pillay

Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/63331/

Reviewer: Maria/SKID_11 @ http://lemonswirls.visualchic.net/

~~~

Title: 1/5

“I Forgive You” is not a good title for a two-shot. It’s a simple statement; something one person says to another person, and it isn’t interesting enough. I’m afraid that I wouldn’t click on your two-shot if I ever saw it on AFF because of the fact that the title is boring and uninteresting.

I’m going to advise you to change the title to something better and more original than the one you currently have at the moment.

Description/Foreword: 4/10

The description is fine enough, but you really need to remember to capitalize the beginning of a sentence and that, when asking a question, you use a question mark (?), not an ellipsis (…), ‘kay? If you decided to be a more descriptive and given an overall description of the two-shot, you would’ve gotten more marks for your description — I only gave you three marks for it, I’m afraid. :/

The foreword? I only gave you one mark for trying, and because I’m so nice. :P

Not only was the foreword an author’s note with no foreword/prologue/teaser in sight, but the thoughts were all over the place and you added many spaces when they were not needed. It didn’t help that you had different, random colours — the blue colour really hurt my eyes, and they weren’t at all needed. I advise you to change the foreword; add an actual foreword and then clearly mark an author’s note underneath — remember to organize your thoughts more as well.

Originality/Plot/Creativity: 7/20

Most of the things in here have already been done in stories, TV shows, and movies alike, so I’m afraid that this plot isn’t overly creative or original. However, you added plenty of things that made it different from other stories — such as the ending of this two-shot. I really hadn’t expected it to end this way, but it worked well with this two-shot since it was angsty, so I liked it.

So, because of this fact, I really had mixed emotions when it came to this short story. On one hand, it was painfully unoriginal. On the other hand, it kind of paved its own way — but not quite, I’m sorry to say.

Writing Style: 12/15

Your writing style was nice, but there were things that you should’ve changed.

First, sometimes, you added spaces when they weren’t needed. Remember only to press that space bar once, and only when you believe your chapter is in need of another paragraph. Also, remember that there is an option of adding a line for a page break when you are switching point of views or a reasonable amount of time has passed or if the setting is changing.

Second, when your characters are thinking inside their head, it’s best if you make another paragraph for that and italicize the thought so people know it’s a thought. This is sort of optional, but most people do italicize thoughts, so it’s best if you do so as well because it makes the writing easier to comprehend and take in for readers.

Third, don’t make paragraphs so long. When you are talking about a different subject, it’s best to make another paragraph and then continue on with the thought rather than allowing the paragraph to continue, for no paragraph should be more than nine-ten lines, I believe.

Fourth, you should take out “2min” from your tags, because that is rather misleading. Taemin and Minho are friends in this short story, not lovers — however, people may believe differently when they see this tag. 2min shippers would immediately click on this while people who don’t enjoy 2min or dislike yaoi would skip this two-shot.

These things you should look into if you ever decide to edit your two-shot. It’s best if you change them around, that way, not only will your skills as a writer increase but you should be able to get even more readers, commenters and subscribers.

Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary: 6/10

You didn’t have any spelling mistakes — or, at least, I didn’t find any spelling mistakes, so you’re cleared of that. As for the grammar mistakes…well, there were a few.

Like this one:

(Chapter 1, entitled ‘I’ll Forgive You Part 1’)

There was still no sign of him when she had return into the house after getting rid of her heavy bags.

If you read the sentence over, then I’m sure it’s fairly obvious what your mistake was. The sentence should sound awkward when you read it out loud, and so you’ll immediately realize what the grammar mistake is.

Still, if you don’t know, then this is the revision of your sentence:

There was still no sign of him when she had returned into the house after getting rid of her heavy bags.

However, the sentence still sounds weird. It’s not a grammar problem, but the words you used just make the sentence seem awkward.

So, if I were you, I would change the sentence into this:

There was still no sign of him when she had come back into the house after getting rid of her bags.

You can keep the sentence I had edited before, or you could use the sentence above instead. I just wanted to let you know that the sentence sounded terribly awkward and seemed almost worded wrong. You don’t have to reword it if you don’t want to.

Moving on, another sentence with a mistake is this:

(Chapter 1, entitled ‘I’ll Forgive You Part 1’)

There was no Taemin in bed or anywhere in the room.

This sentence sounds terribly awkward, and though there isn’t a grammar mistake in here, I still think that you should change up this sentence a little bit because of how awkward it sounds when you read it aloud.

So, it should instead be like this:

Taemin wasn’t in bed, nor was he anywhere else in the room.

The revision sounds much better and not awkward at all, so I’d say that you edit the sentence. Still, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, it’s just that if you allow the sentence to continue to sound weird like that, then it’ll be hard for a reader to really get a feel for your two-shot, and it makes them lose attention in the two-shot and instead pay attention on the sentence and how awkward it sounds.

Anyway, continuing, another grammar mistake would have to be this:

(Chapter 1, entitled ‘I’ll Forgive You Part 1’)

“What now?” she thought as she took out her phone with trembling fingers.

It’s rather obvious to me that this thought was said aloud, but to some it may be confusing. It’s best if you say something after “she thought,” and not just leave it like that.

So, the revision of this sentence would be this:

“What now?” she thought aloud as she took out her phone with trembling fingers.

The sentence flows more smoothly, and there would be absolutely no risk of people being confused and wondering whether Key had been thinking aloud or in her mind.

Now, another grammar mistake is this:

(Chapter 1, entitled ‘I’ll Forgive You Part 1’)

The world would have been a fairy tale if people such as his mother do not exist.

There are a few mistakes in here. Firstly, “the world would have been a fairy tale” sounds weird. “A fairy tale”? It just seems so…random, in my opinion. “The world would have been a better place” seems more likely for someone as old as him to think, especially since Taemin is a boy. A teenage boy thinking of the world being a fairy tale is just too…well, non-realistic, I think. Also, you made a tense mistake in here. “Do not exist” is present tense, but since your short story is in past tense, it doesn’t work at all. It instead should read “didn’t exist” so there is no tense confusion.

Now, when you combine all of my revisions, you would get this:

The world would have been a better place if people such as his mother didn’t exist.

The sentence now has no confusion, no weirdness/randomness, and no tense problems. And see how it flows much more smoothly than the original sentence, and seems to suit a teenage boy's inner thoughts better, especially your character Taemin's?

There is just one more grammar mistake I found in the first part, and it is this:

(Chapter 1, entitled ‘I’ll Forgive You Part 1’)

“Then, why do you avoid me like a plaque?”

That sentence…makes absolutely no sense. A “plaque” and a “plague” are two different things, as well as the fact that you got the metaphor wrong as well.

Instead, it was supposed to be this:

“Then, why do you avoid me like the plague?”

Your vocabulary was nice as well — you did really good with it, and tried to be as descriptive as possible, so kudos to you on that as well. Just remember not to use a few words over and over again, like perhaps the word “forgive.” You used it throughout the two-shot, and even though the whole two-shot was about that, you shouldn’t put too much emphasis on it or else the two-shot may seem a little cheesy.

Anyway, apart from these mistakes and my small advice here and there, there weren’t too many mistakes in your work. I, however, only looked over the first part for you; you should read your work aloud just in case to catch any other mistakes that I may have missed or not looked at.

Characterization: 22/25

Good characterizations; Key was very well thought-out, and was even a better character because of the fact that you had gone ahead and really explained her feelings about what had happened with Jonghyun and her feelings about what it had done to her relationship with Taemin in the letter she had given Taemin.

If you compare Taemin with Key, however, he fell a bit flat. His reasoning for Key being the reason Jonghyun died was a bit, I don’t know, not really portrayed as well as it could have been. You should’ve used the time when Taemin either read Key’s letter or while he was in class to really show Taemin’s thoughts about Key and Jonghyun and what had happened after Jonghyun’s death to go more in-depth with his character, me thinks.

Minho was a rather minor character, so I understand why he wasn’t that well developed in this. Still, I think that you should’ve at least made him more in-depth — at least a little bit. Maybe have Taemin think about Jonghyun’s death and what happened afterwards, then go into detail about how Minho may have comforted Taemin about it, and from there talk more about Minho as a person so one can understand his character a bit more. I would’ve really liked to know a bit more about Minho.

All in all, your characterization was good, but I feel as if it could’ve been even better.

Flow/Detail: 8/10

You definitely paid attention to detail, but I would’ve liked it if you explained a few more things — perhaps if you explained Key’s emotions a bit more when Key thought about Taemin and how their relationship had fallen apart so badly, or when she realized that Taemin wasn’t in his room and got a bit alarmed. Maybe even when she got the text from him; she would’ve been relieved and angered, right? It would’ve been best if you portrayed this. Still, however, I liked the attention to detail you had in this; I could picture it all in my head, except for the part when Key is at work, for you didn’t really explain how her work place looked like.

The flow was fine, but in some parts if fell a bit flat — for instance, when Key fell down the stairs. You should’ve gone further into her thoughts before she fell, just to show the readers how lost in thought she had been, which was why she never saw the man coming and bumped into him, thus having her tumble rather badly down the stairs as an end result of being lost in her thoughts.

Ending: 9/10

I pretty much liked the ending, and also the fact that there was a time skips so things didn’t seem too rushed, especially the part where Taemin pretty much kills Key. Still, I would’ve liked it if it was one or two years later which is why I took off a mark here, but eh. Whatever. Whatever floats your boat, really.

Ending — Taemin takes off the respirator and, generally, kills his mother by his own hands. People can see this any way they wish; Taemin loved her enough that he let her go and ended her suffering, or he is a murderer who killed his own mother.

It really makes you think about whether it was a good thing or a bad thing that Taemin had done, so I liked it very much in terms of this fact alone.

Bonus: 4/5

Four out of five for the surprising, angsty ending, as well as Key’s wonderful characterization in this two-shot!

Overall mark:

73/100

Back to the top~

[Review]☆ Are you going to Shoot Me? by LuckyFriday13th ☆

Sunday, August 28, 2011 @ 4:18 PM

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

Author’s username: LuckyFriday13th

Story Title: Are you going to Shoot Me?

Reviewer: supshaz

Story URL: Are you going to Shoot Me?

Current Length (No. of Chapters): One shot/two shot
Main Characters:Yunho, Jaejoong

Genre:Suspense/Action/Thriller/Horror

Summary: He slammed Jaejoong to the wall and leaned closer, lips ghosting against his ear.

*Warning: YAOI fanfiction*

Here you go!

__________________________________________________________

♪Opening

●Title- 4/5

Nice! Great way to display suspense through the title. I really like the way you ask a question instead of just a boring sentence, totally snatched my attention at first. It makes readers wanting to find out what’s going to happen next, sparkling up their curiosity is always a good thing~It generally relates to the story as well so bonuses for that~ ^_^ But remember- every word in a title should start with a capital letter. So instead of ‘Are you going to Shoot Me’, it should be ‘Are You Going To Shoot Me?’.

●Poster/Background: 1.5/5

The poster is simple, quite simple indeed. *sings mr. simple…* But I feel that it’s TOO simple it doesn’t really triggers anything. I like the idea of JaeJoong pointing a gun, which reflects the title and the story, but the colours used are a bit boring- although I understand that you are trying to present a dark atmosphere. The pictures aren’t really pasted well together, and I can even get a small glimpse of a sponsor name at the left bottom corner. Not very well done in my opinion, also you don’t have any background colour to support the poster—which I think it’s a waste. Try using backgrounds with simple, plain, dark elegant designs that’d help to replicate the suspense more.

●Description+Foreword- 3.5/10

Lacks…quite a lot. And I’m sure you know that. You’re probably thinking that it’s a one-shot story so there’s no need to go in depth for D+F? I beg to differ. Without a decent D+F it’s difficult to attract readers and audiences. All I get from the D+F are the characters and that it’s rated. Oh, and maybe a bit of… gun related stuff? I don’t know just from reading the description and foreword. It definitely needs more to add on, and I hope you can correct that.

>>Total: 9/20<<

*.:｡✿*ﾟ‘ﾟ･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ’ﾟ･✿.｡.:* *.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･ ✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･

♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 7/10

Mmm… I guess it’s not the first ‘gang’ story I’ve read on AFF, but there aren’t as many around nowadays I don’t think. I like how you make it into an one-shot, it’s hard to fit action and romance into just a brief chapter or two, and I applause you that. The suspense was well brought out in the story- the start was pretty awesome too! :D

●Plot- 10.5/20

Although the story plot is interesting- I really don’t like how the story goes to be honest. It has a good start, it really really does, but then it starts to go downhill. Especially the sequel, the events that happened there are a little random (which I’ll talk about in ‘Flow’. Although it doesn’t have necessarily that many of jumpy scenes, lots were very awkward and unexplainable. Also, the topic of ‘rape’ is only lightly touched in the story, in my opinion there’s no need to put a rated H warning to the Fanfic, but that’s your decision neverless. Sorry if you are disappointed in the marks given in this category… T_T

●Chapter Titles: 3/5

First of all- you used the title’s name as your first chapter, and I wasn’t going to rate you in this category, but then you had a different name for your sequel- and it’s pretty good I have to admit. Just by judging the one title for the sequel, it generalizes the whole chapter and the reason why Yunho cares for Jaejoong.

●Flow: 6.5/10:

Like I said- there really aren’t that many jumpy scenes in the fic, but there were LOTs of awkward moments that I just kind of cringe at. Eg) The ending of chapter 1. I think you agree with me here right? It was…very, very awkward indeed. The characters just..walked out? Yunho’s excuse for exit was okay, but there was NO excuse for Jaejoong- really you could’ve just left at where he banged his fists and cursed, the last two lines are most definitely not needed. Don’t try to conclude everything- let the imagination of the readers flow- it makes the story more worth reading.

Eg2)- Where Jaejoong was ‘nearly’ getting raped. As you said it yourself you find that scene awkward as well- it disturbs the flow of the story. I would’ve gaped at it more if there was more of action, more of the description of those actions involved. But what made it worse was Yunho’s sudden entrance- typical in my opinion (I was happy though Jaejoong didn’t get raped by some ugly boss..XD). But it’s so…random. Like why on earth would Yunho be here? Where did he come from? Where did all the guards go? So many questions unanswered, it disappointed me slightly.

But hey, I know it’s hard to include everything in just 2 shots, you tried your best- but there’s still room for improvement.

>>Total: 27/45<<

*.:｡✿*ﾟ‘ﾟ･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ’ﾟ･✿.｡.:* *.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･ ✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･

♪Expression

●Characterization- 9/15:

The characters….aren’t as well described as the actions, the suspense, or everything else in my opinion. Sure, I get lots of actions and running here and there- but very few of what the characters are actually thinking and feeling.

1) Jaejoong- If there’s a female and male side to YAOI characters, I think he’d belong to the female category. You wouldn't think so at the start- but after encountering Yunho, you can see Jaejoong’s fragile, weak, and hesitant side more often than at the start. Especially when he’s ‘trapped’ by Yunho, and when he was reluctant to join Yunho’s gang. I get his personality traits alright. :D

2) Yunho- strong, fearless- definitely belongs to the male side of a YAOI story. Just like how he took the lead most of the time during the two chapters can clearly show his leadership over Jaejoong. He’s dominant and I like how you kind of contradict the two characters.

Minors- the boss. He’s…scary? I think that’s the image you were trying to potray him as. But to be honest- nothing happened in the story showed me his scary side. Except the fact where he had a lot of bodyguards and Jaejoong’s there like an afraid little kitten. But other than that and you description of his appearance- nothing really outshines here.

●Writing Style- 8/10

Your writing style stands out more than the other catergories here. You love to describe- more descriptions, the better, and I love you for them!! :D:D Example- “He drew a shaky breath and lightened his footsteps as he approached the end of the brick wall. The shadows cloaked him in darkness, cooperating with the barely-shining moonlight falling down from the heavens.”—the actions, the surroundings were described in a marvellous way that astounded me. I love how you have personification inserted to the ‘shadows’, how you have adjectives for every action involved etc.

Eg2) – “His fingers were decorated with an assortment of ugly, gaudy rings, with around three on each stubby, toad-like finger. His small eyes glittered with greed and his tongue occasionally flicked out to moisten his lips. His hair was shaved to reveal a bald, shining, egg head, criss crossed with scars and pockmarked with dents.”-the description of the boss was brilliant. Here I got a glimpse of his ugly side. IT was described very nicely, very ugly- totally suits the appearance of a mafia boss. *applauding*

●Mechanics: 8/10

Your spellings and grammar generally have no problems to be honest- but do watch out for one or 2 spelling mistakes! Because your fic is simply a 2 shot- mistakes should be avoided at all cost! O_O

*Mistakes: “Jaejoong pouted slightly and ran a hair through his hair” –should be ‘hand’; “The said person glared from above the person’s palm”- I don’t think it make sense..?

*Spelling mistakes: “He said abruptly, tone chamging from friendly and chatty to dangerous and threatening.”- should be ‘changing’;

>>Total: 25/35<<

*.:｡✿*ﾟ‘ﾟ･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ’ﾟ･✿.｡.:* *.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･ ✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･

●Bonus- 2/5

To be honest- this is my first time reading a YAOI fanfiction and I don’t think I’m going to try it again. I’m just not one of those that can enjoy men.. you know… Anyway- overall it’s good- but do look out for characters and storyline more- your writing style is lovely though.

>>>TOTAL: 63%<<<

(out of 100 marks)

These are all my honest opinions; I hope you’re not disappointed!! T_T You still have lots of potential to improve!! HWAITING!! ^^

Back to the top~